When I was 5, my mom enrolled me in dance classes. It would prove to be a lifelong love. Little did she know, that those dance classes would also give me a major body complex. Staring at myself and all the other dancers in the mirror being judged by them, the teacher and most importantly by me, leaves a lifelong lack of body compassion, especially because it was for so many formative years. Seventeen years of staring at a mirror and wanting the body to look just right, is a long time. Unfortunately it didn’t stop then. Every mirror I passed by, no matter what I was wearing, I would take a glance. As a personal trainer, it feels constant. Let’s see 17 plus 22 = long time.
I’m menopausal. Or post. Or something like that. The hair is thinning. The body is changing. The skin isn’t what it used to be. The body is changing. The body is changing. Oh wait. I’ve said that.
I’ve put on 10 pounds in the last year and it has really messed with my head. I have often said to Ernie, “I think it is important for women to put some weight on as we age so we can weather sickness if/when the time comes.” Be careful what you wish for. And really, is 59 “as we age”?
I’ve had several conversations about this body image stuff with women over the last year. To some degree, they all understand, dealing with their struggles. I’ve been counseled to think positively, let it go, love your body. All of those positive mindset things that may work in the moment but have little lasting impact. I needed something to land and stick. I needed some grace.
I’ve been playing with a new way to practice my 7-minute practice (three-centered practice - body, heart and head) involving my lap-held labyrinth. I trace the labyrinth with my non-dominant finger, looking ahead at the path until I get to the center where traditionally I sit in silence. But now, I’m taking my three-centered 7-minute practice into the center. As I breathed into my belly center, feeling every sensation in my body, a message came to me, a whisper - gratitude. I moved to my heart center for the next two minutes and breathed in the emotions of this message, wiping a tear from my eye, feeling the love and compassion for my body, the sadness for the mental abuse I had bestowed on it, especially over the last year. Finally, the head center, clear, receptive, awake, it was like the burden had been lifted - almost 54 years of burden. Breathing through all three centers for the final minute, I felt a self-love unlike any other time I’ve practiced. A deep gratitude. Grace.
I traced the labyrinth back to the beginning, this time deeply present as my finger followed the groove. Not looking ahead, or behind, just there where my finger was, every second of the path. Nothing to be hung up on from the past. Not worrying about the future self. Not carrying the guilt of being mean to my body. Just being there in that moment.
There is much to be grateful for with this body. I can still dance. I can lift heavy things. I am mobile and flexible. I can get down on the floor, pick up a 14 month old and stand up with her. I can crawl with her (no, I’m not a grandma, she is my client’s baby). I can ride my Peloton hard and easy. I can golf. I can watercolor. And yes, even have some yummy sex.
I can beat myself up over not being grateful for this body but I won’t. I can hang on to the smaller clothes for “someday” or I can give them to someone who actually can wear them and appreciate them. I can say thank you to this body every time I am present with it.
The Enneagram 7-minute practice has changed my life in many ways, but to date, this is the most profound. I’ve released the hold of that body image and now instead of that critic caught up in the body of the past, I can look to the present and be grateful and not wonder about the future.
All those years ago, my mom had put me in dance for grace. At the time and for a long time, I thought she meant poise. She may have. But what has actually (finally) happened, is an act of grace has been blessed upon me and those glances in the mirror will now include a secret smile to myself, to my body, a love for it. A love for myself. I am deeply grateful for that whisper and this body.